When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize