and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I want to fling myself into the sun
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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