i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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