Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize