I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
