I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
