it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
false alarm. still invincible.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize