No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I can't trust your balls anymore.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
