Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Randomize
