just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
