96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
