You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
