Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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