I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It was confusing and full of hummus
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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