Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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