i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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