Can i not drive my cunt home
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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