I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
People in love make me want to vomit
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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