She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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