I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My cat gives me a boner
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
