First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
