last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
