Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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