i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
