So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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