Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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