if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
