Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
