There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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