I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
