WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
