you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
