you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
