Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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