Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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