There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
she peed on how many people?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
