My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
