I queefed so loud it echoed.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize