I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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