I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I need a burrito and a hug.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Randomize