If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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