y did u give ur computer a hand job?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
