she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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