Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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