You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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