You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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