I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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