every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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