I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Of course I have a pirate flag
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