I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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