I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
