so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
