I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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