tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
