I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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