Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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