Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
