dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It's official drugs can't kill me
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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