i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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