I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
