I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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