Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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