Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
