dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
